My hand was shaking while writing the content for this page because I was scared to show my vulnerable side.
So, what forced me to pour out everything despite the strong resistance?
A clear and transparent motive for building a strong connection with YOU.
At the age of 15, I lost interest in studies. I was sitting with my juniors in high school. Despite being the topper, I left my college degree. No purpose. Low confidence. Suicidal thoughts. I took antidepressants for my depression treatment. Blurred Vision. Self Hate. I hated social events and preferred locking myself in a room.
Today, I bob my head with joy because I have discovered the source of my positive fountain.
(If you like my story, kindly share your thoughts in the comment section)
“Are you mentally unsound?”
How does it feel when someone ask you this question?
I know how painful it is because I have gone through this stressful situation.
The worst part:
This question didn’t come from friends, random person or relatives.
I can never forget this shocking visit
I was sitting in front of the psychiatrist in the neuro-psychiatric hospital for my psychodiagnostic and personality assessment test.
In the middle of the discussion, the doctor asked me in a firm tone, “Yatin, are you mentally unsound?”
His main intention was to aggravate my suppressed feelings, but I went in a deep shock. I became numb and one question was hovering in my mind:
What wrong have I done in my life to encounter this awkward situation?
I became motionless for some seconds because I was completely broken from within.
Though he apologized for his weird act, I couldn’t utter a single word.
Person feels helpless when nobody understands the internal mess. It becomes difficult to share the true feelings because others may:
- Make fun of your internal dilemma.
- Start giving baseless life lessons which have no connection with your issues.
- Not understand your real pain.
- Take advantage of your pitiable state.
- Question your willpower without realizing your efforts in overcoming internal resistance.
Until tenth grade, life was nothing less than a dream. After that, my life took a dramatic turn
I enjoyed every bit of attention in my school days. Who doesn't like it, isn't? I was good in academics and sports. Whenever teachers asked questions to check whether the class is attentive or not, I was never on their hit list.
I was among those students whom teachers ask questions to convey this message: 'Be attentive like this student.'
I still remember the day when my language teacher came to me and said, 'Yatin, you are like a sandalwood tree.'
At that time, I was clueless about this comparison. Later, I came to know the relevance of her statement from this Rahim's quote:
जो रहीम उत्तम प्रकृति, का करी सकत कुसंग । चन्दन विष व्यापत नहीं, लिपटे रहत भुजंग ।।
Translation of the above quote:
Rahim says a person with excellent character remains unaffected in bad company also. Though snakes remain on sandalwood trees, but tress never gets poisonous.
I was in seventh heaven because I got this awesome compliment from a strict teacher.
My cousins, 3-5 years junior to me, were also in the same school. Whenever they were unable to answer any question or complete the assignment, the teachers would say, 'Learn something from your brother.'
Though it must be an embarrassing moment for my cousins, I felt so good within when they share these experiences with me.
My life was nothing less than a hell for almost 10 years
All of a sudden, I lost interest in my studies. In the beginning, I took it lightly by thinking it as a temporary phase.
As time went by, it became my source of frustration. Despite trying so hard, there were no signs of improvement.
In general, I didn't have any concentration issues. When it came to studies, everything looked dark and dull.
I started skipping my classes for days and, then months. Whenever my friends used to call me for knowing the reason behind my long absence, I always lie to them by saying ' I'm going through some severe neck pain.'
Today, I apologize to my friends who took so much pain for me.
Things went from bad to worse
It is your final year of secondary school. Like every student, you are not happy because you are sitting with your juniors. All your friends have passed out from the secondary school.
They are discussing their future plans. And, you are going through the same textbooks. I wish no one goes through this humiliation.
Ya, I was sitting with my juniors.
I can't even express my terrible feeling in plain words. I didn't even paint this scenario in my wildest dreams.
Despite being the class topper, I took this decision:
I dropped out of college.
The decision didn't come out instantly. After my first year, it took me more than three years to come to this conclusion.
Why it took so much time?
Like my school days, I skipped my first year classes for several months. Due to internal explosion of depressing thoughts, I didn't even celebrate my first year result. I felt like the loneliest person on the planet earth.
In subsequent years, I went through a series of mind numbing events which forced me to drop out.
My self confidence hit an all time low. At that time, I couldn't even think of starting something else.
It didn't stop there. Things went from worse to worst....
I started living in a shell. I switched off my phone because I didn't want to interact with anyone.
I restrained myself from attending any social events. I was the one who was least interested in friends reunion.
I turned off my facebook chat because everyone on my friend list was curious to know what was happening in my life. I was always on the lookout to stay away from this question:
What are your future plans?
My friends were busy in looking out for jobs after graduation. My cousins, who were 3-5 years junior to me, became ahead of me on academic grounds.
And, I was still figuring out the way to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
To avoid frustrating conversations, I used to lock myself in my room whenever someone visited my house.
One of my relative said to me, 'Yatin, be serious in your life. You are taking things too lightly.' I murmured, ' Am I a fool who will ruin my life without any reason?'
At that time, I just wanted to say him to mind his own business.
But, I absorbed all my anger by realizing it is not his fault. If he can't see anything, how he can understand my inner agony.
I was living a dual life. I was about to end my life
I used to greet people with a fake smile because I didn't want to become an object of sympathy. Deep within, I felt like screaming and ask everyone this question:
Why is it happening to me?
I was living under the illusion that someone else was controlling my life. My self confidence was shattered so much that I felt hollow from inside.
I was a mute spectator. Everything was happening without my own will. I was tired of boosting myself.
I lost all my patience. After looking my outer appearance, no one could picture my internal trauma. I fought suicidal thoughts following a series of repeated failures.
Usually, people feel great by getting the positive reports. But, I was not happy at all because I started thinking about the real cause of my problem.
It was frustrating to repeat the same thing to every psychologist and psychiatrist. One psychiatrist told me I might be suffering from Bipolar Disorder, but I was not able to digest his diagnosis because:
I didn’t experience any manic episodes. He prescribed me medicines per day and suggested me to visit again after three months.
Instantly, I decided to consult some other psychiatrist. After repeating the same story to the second psychiatrist, she told me I might be going through recurrent depressive disorder.
She prescribed me anti-depressant pills to improve my serotonin levels. I took the pills for two week only.
Note: I’m not against any medications. It was my personal choice. If a particular course of action works out perfectly for someone else, it doesn't mean it will also help you to overcome the issue. If I ever need the help of any medical professional in future, I won't hesitate to book the consultation. No need to hide your mental issue. Please seek professional care to make sure you get the right kind of support.
Today, I'm living my life to the fullest
It all started with a daily diary entry. Pen and paper were my best friends because I felt helpless while expressing my emotions to anyone. Writing became an effective source for calming down my mental screaming.
I used visualization technique for wiping out the negative stains by weaving the positive canvas. When everything was dark, I realized the importance of a single ray of hope in life. I started appreciating little things around me.
Though I avoided interacting with friends and relatives, I enjoyed the company of children. In their presence, I always felt a sense of satisfaction. Visit to the park in the evening became a common affair.
What forced me to leave my room and connect with the outer world?
To seek guidance from children. They became my mentor. I owe a lot to them.
By just sitting on the bench, I started building constructive outcomes out of the shattered pieces of my life.
My love for digital space started with personal growth articles. I saw a lot of people were going through the same stressful situation. They shared their pain, struggles and win points. I didn't have the courage to express my state in public, but the stories gave me the reason to live life to the fullest. A reason to smile. A reason to overcome my fears.
I felt like a lone warrior struggling to find the right platform for spreading the voice because I was completely clueless about the term 'blogging.' Luckily, at that time, I didn't attract to the monetary aspect of building the blog.
My sole intention was to share the information for seeking more knowledge from the readers. In the digital journey, I have realized one important thing:
In sharing, the giver receives more than the receiver because some things in life can't be measured in physical terms only.
I got several rejections from clients and publications. I was all alone, but I didn’t lose hope and kept working hard to build my online presence. I have realized one important thing in life:
Rejection acts as an injection for improving your future outcomes
I got my first major break in the writing space with my first guest post. Thanks to Harleena Ma'am and Vinay Sir, the two major pillars behind Aha-Now, for believing and supporting me. I still can't forget the day when I received the following confirmation mail.
Writing has given me the wings to experience the life to the fullest. Though I have published articles for big publications, I still tag myself a learner. As I have realized my passion of writing, every day comes with new learning. I'm always hungry for improving my skills because I dig deep wholeheartedly.
People ask me: Yatin, from where do you get the inspiration to write more?
Here is my answer:
Like them, there are many valuable insights from my caring readers. I feel blessed to have an awesome support. Why go anywhere else when you get these motivating feedbacks?
I wake up everyday with the intention of injecting positivity in people's lives. Despite the difficulties, which everyone faces in their daily lives, I don't lose the patience.
Do you know the reason?
If you have the passion, you have the purpose. If you have a purpose, the path becomes clear. With clarity, comes the confidence to face the odd winds with ease.
Now, I have the confidence to fuel my big ideas and implement them with full force.
There is no difference between weekdays and weekends because I have recognized the source of my positive fountain.
If you think my journey has the potential to spread a ray of hope in someone's life, please share it. A single share will take me much closer to accomplishing my mission of helping others to rediscover their source of positive fountain.